Dress code for females should be part of Constitution and nikahnama

By Minerwa Tahir This is a work of satire NEWS DESK: Women across the world are tweeting with the hashtag #MeToo, sharing their experiences of sexual harassment and assault. It is a problem indeed. But we have found a solution in the blessing that is the female dress code rolled out by the International Islamic University, Islamabad. We will call it a perfect code of life for women. It will help tame all of us loose women out there, which is the only way to prevent harassment.   Who hasn't heard of the unwrapped lollipop and flies analogy? Hence, our enlightened position: the perfect code of life should be a formal part of the Constitution of Pakistan and nikahnamas. Let's discuss the importance of turning this code into law, clause by clause.

1. Shalwar Qameez with at least knee length shirt: The statement lays out specific rules for women, covering all dimensions. Science shows that women, by default, are loose. According to research, women like to wear shirts that reveal the part of their shalwars that cover their thighs - all in their quest for attention! Then when a pious brother tells Marvi Sirmed that he would take off her shalwar on national TV, all of us women start crying. What else do you expect, Marvi ji? Yeah, yeah, you were wearing a saree that day. But maulana and his boys have pictures of you in inappropriate shalwar qameez. A man has to have his stash. *science*
2. Dress should not be see through: This particular clause pertains to the dupatta, which is an integral part of Muslim dress. Many women, like Maryam Nawaz and Reham Khan, have been seen on TV wearing those see-through dupattas. Let's please say astaghfaar, first. Dear ladies, you can't just be draping see-through dupattas around you and expect pious brothers to not tell you about their fetishes, ok? This is a pressing issue and see-through dupattas need to be criminalized.
3. Deep necks strictly prohibited: Quit whining and learn some modesty, women. Men don't like everything just out there; they want to try the X-ray screening feature of their eyes. Deep necks are tantamount to rendering this treasured male feature redundant and is clearly a conspiracy of those FemiNazis against pious brothers. If this doesn't need to become law, then I don't know what does.
4. Sleeveless shirts are not allowed: Women in Gulshan would never have been attacked by the pious Karachi knife-man brother had this clause of the law been in place. Let me tell you what these women have been up to: on the pretext of hot weather, these women dress their daughters aged between five and eight in sleeveless shirts. Pious brother had to take up the knife after all those complaints from All Qaari Sahabs Association, Gulshan unit.
5. Trousers are allowed only with long shirts: Refer to Clause 1 to understand why this needs immediate attention of lawmakers. However, we suggest that this clause should be made more specific by declaring that the shirt paired with trousers should be of ankle-length. (Trousers are more body-fitting than shalwars, revealing the shape of the lower leg. Science dictates that you can't blame men for public masturbation if you strut around revealing the shape of your lower leg like that.)
6. Tights/skinny jeans and cappries are not allowed: In case you are wondering what 'cappries' means, it refers to 'a sudden and unaccountable change of mood or behavior'. (A letter has been written to Oxford Dictionaries to switch to our cooler spelling and let go of 'caprice'.) This needs immediate legislation as women have this sense of entitlement to be bitches when they are hormonal at that time of the month.
7. Dupatta/Scarf is compulsory with all dresses: September 4 is Haya Day. It must be observed on the state level and we need to prepare our women for participation. This clause has a specific sub-section for married women: after satisfying their husbands at night, these women must cover themselves in dupatta/scarf before sleeping. The nation is struggling with a shortage of mardana taaqat supplements. It's depressing.
8. Make up and heavy jewelry is not allowed: This clause pertains to the economy. Thanks to the internet, all of us women are wasting the countries' resources on importing make-up and jewelry from international brands. The need for spending these resources on the security of CPEC is being felt on the national level.
9. High heels are not allowed: It has been reported that in certain cities of US, women wearing high heels took them off and flung the footwear at men. Numerous American men have suffered from serious nasal injuries due to this rampant violation of male rights. All they do is show some love and these women start whining about harassment! We can't afford the menace to reach our country and we can't chain our men. Hence the need to take preemptive measures.
10. Note: In case of non-compliance stick disciplinary action would be taken: In light of the IIC's ruling on light beating of wife, stick disciplinary action will be legalized on passage of this bill. To be strict, one needs a stick.

Our wise opinion dictates that the perfect code of life needs to be made a law. Moreover, it needs to be part of the nikahnama so that us wild women can be tamed. Mombatti mafia can hold the protests - if you think about it, this law actually empowers women. We are not forcing them into wearing burkas like Saudi Arabia at least!