Malala, how could you?

By Minerwa Tahir Note: This story is  a work of satire. NEWS DESK: Over 200 people have been killed in a deadly bombing in Somalia. Vietnam floods have claimed 72 lives so far while the freedom movements of Catalonia and Kurdistan are being suppressed at best. Yet, the most offensive news of all is closer to home: Malala and her jeans. The audacity! In case you've been living under a rock, the so-called champion of girl rights was pictured sporting Western attire. Some captions suggested she was on her way to Oxford University, where she was recently inducted with the help of all that drama she staged, of course. Naturally, us Pakistanis are mortified. And that's not all - this wicked embodiment of everything that is wrong with the world draped a matching scarf around her head. What does she think of herself? Naik parveen on top, Kendall Jenner on the bottom? The world has been ravaged by hurricanes, floods and other natural disasters. What the Western media (#FakeNews) won't tell you is cause of these calamities. You guessed it: Malala. Just yesterday I read that Hurricane Ophelia is heading towards Ireland and UK. Then I saw Malala's shameless picture. And it all made sense. Malala began her "career" with education. I mean what do women from tribal areas have to do with education? Education is the exclusive right of only urban women. (And, of course, men.) For someone who took a bullet in the head, this simple idea doesn't seem to penetrate her skull. *face palm* After her education drama and all that blogging for Jewish lobby-funded BBC, she was taken to task by our pious Muslim brothers. Somebody had to put her back in her place! All they did was try to make her understand the simple idea that education is NOT her right. She got what she wanted: to fly to England and get a convenient admission in Oxford. *Such drama, I swear!* And how can we forget the biggest disgrace that this so-called education rights champion has brought on our beloved, honorable country: winning a Nobel prize -- one of the only two Nobel Prize laureates originating from Pakistan; the other one we pretend doesn't exist. It's not rocket science. Here is my question to Malala: what do you think you're doing dressing up in all those clothes of your choice, young lady?  When will you understand, WOMEN DO NOT GET TO CHOOSE WHAT THEY DO OR SAY. Yeah, I'm writing this in all caps because I am a woman and my voice is not loud enough. I wish with all my heart that a man was the one to reprimand you (like our pious Taliban brothers did back then) but right now, I'm short on men willing to do the job. After all, not all men are as faarigh as women are. We can all see in the picture that no man was staring at you like a sick pervert despite your provocative attire. Therefore, we took it upon ourselves to remind you of a simple universal law: AS A WOMAN, YOU NEED TO BE ASHAMED OF YOUR BODY. I don't have to repeat why I'm using all caps. To sum it up, I hope, Malala, that you remember all the simple facts I have stated on behalf of my honorable Pakistani brothers and sisters. To all the pious brethren who are calling her out for her unreasonable claim to having choices (despite being a woman), thumbs up! Take a look at what others had to say about the girl in the jeans:

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